New Freeway Through Historic Wetlands Displaces Dozens Of Rare Bog Crones

MIAMI—Highlighting the project’s massive effect on the Everglades’ ecosystem, a team of ecologists released a statement Thursday that condemns a new freeway through historic wetlands and reports that initial construction has already displaced dozens of rare bog crones. “The Florida state government has started construction on a stretch of freeway that plows through the last remaining home of a critically endangered species of bog crone,” said lead ecologist Ben Collingsworth, accusing officials of blatantly ignoring countless environmental impact reports that cite the difficulty of rehoming this specific species of wetland crone, which has inhabited the area for thousands of years and predates the advent of roads by centuries. “These delicate, carbuncle-covered creatures used to have large populations across the Eastern Seaboard but have been pushed over the years into this small stronghold in the Everglades, where they largely keep to themselves, other than occasionally beckoning a young child through the mist with a will-o’-the-wisp. They were already at extreme risk of extinction once their natural food source, the semen of cursed ancient mariners, became harder to find, but somehow this particular coven has persevered up to this point. These wicked apparitions are one of our country’s most precious treasures, and we can’t stand by and watch as our government eradicates them.” Collingsworth added that, should displacement of the bog crone be allowed to continue, local newt populations in the Everglades would quickly skyrocket out of control.