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Department Of Transportation Reduces Commute Times By Adding Highway Nitro Strips

WASHINGTON—Saying the infrastructure project would significantly cut drive times nationwide, the Department of Transportation announced plans Friday to reduce commutes by adding highway nitro strips. “These booster strips will help everyday Americans reach their office safely and in a fraction of the time by rocketing them into nitro high-speed past any potential competitors,” said Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, stressing that many drivers would make it to their workplaces in seconds flat after being launched from the nitro strip at 525 MPH into a loop-de-loop that then sends them careening high into the air over any traffic jams or construction delays. “For too long, the United States has looked in envy at the blue and even red nitro strips in Germany and Japan’s highway systems. Well, today, in tandem with the newly installed jump ramps and corkscrew turns, Americans can once again release an oil slick at their competitor and yell ‘yippee!’” At press time, Buttigieg had abruptly concluded the press conference after receiving a questions about the epidemic of traffic fatalities caused by American drivers crashing into explosive TNT crates.



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