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Astronomers: ‘We Told You This Was Your Best Chance To See The Perseid Meteor Shower—We Fucking Told You—And You Squandered It’

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Expressing disbelief that their advice had been ignored yet again, astronomers held a press conference Friday in which they said they told you that earlier this month would be your best chance to see the Perseid meteor shower—they fucking told you—and you went and squandered it. “What did we goddamn say? Go to a dark place, bring your binoculars, and expect to see 10 to 15 meteors per hour—and yet you fuckers did jack,” said Stanley Schultz, an astronomer at NASA’s Meteoroid Environment Office, who grew increasingly irate as he described how the public had sat around with its thumb up its ass while the majesty of the once-yearly celestial phenomenon passed it by. “Jesus Christ, it’s like we’re talking to a brick wall with you dipshits. What was it? You had an important movie to watch? You couldn’t pause it for just a few minutes before midnight to check out the peak viewing window? Do you even know how stunning it looks in the Northern Hemisphere? I guarantee it would have been the best part of your pathetic week. Well, fuck off. Don’t come crawling to us a month from now asking if there’s any cool shit you can see in the sky.” At press time, the astronomers had become visibly exasperated after spotting several Americans walking outside at midday and asking if they could maybe still see the meteor shower now.



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