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Local Priest Takes Great Pride In Never Having Molested Anyone

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Saying he had outlasted dozens of other clergy members lost to scandals and lawsuits, local priest Father Gregory Jordan told reporters Monday that he took great pride in never having molested anyone. “Back in the day, fellow priests were molesting kids left and right, but for whatever reason I’ve always found the willpower to put down my foot and decide I wasn’t going to sexually abuse children,” said Jordan, who spoke with visible satisfaction as he noted that in all his decades serving his local parish, he had never once been reassigned for sexual misconduct with a choirboy or member of the youth ministry. “I got close, obviously. But I just never touched any of those kids. In my lowest moments, I can always point to that and tell myself, ‘You know, Greg, you really have done some good in this world.’ Thinking about all the young children whose lives I could have ruined by abusing them or making them undress in front of me, but then I didn’t do that? That’s pretty special.” At press time, Jordan added that he had been accused, of course, but that they were all lying.

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