Ken Starr’s Family Finds Note Ordering Them To Frame Monica Lewinsky For His Death

HOUSTON—Gathering to mourn the loss of their family patriarch, Ken Starr’s relatives reportedly found a note near his deceased body Thursday ordering them to frame Monica Lewinsky for his death. “Beloved Alice, children, in the event of my death, please immediately transfer all blame and suspicion to you-know-who,” read part of the message affixed to a 465-page report tucked underneath his pillow, explicitly naming his family members as independent counsel on the matter of his death, granting them expansive investigative powers to find whatever they could on a young former White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, whom he suspected of being involved in some manner of seduction leading up to his final moments, and to not relent until they could connect her directly to his passing. “I don’t care if it takes upwards of four years to compile evidence and ends up extending far outside the scope of the initial purpose—you get Lewinsky on tape admitting fault for my demise by any means necessary, and then get the information out to the American people. They deserve to know who they’re dealing with! Call up friends of hers, family members, old boyfriends, whomever, and get them on the record saying she knowingly fiddled with my surgeon’s tools ahead of my operation, assuming that’s how I died. If I got my brains bashed in with a hammer, she did that too! Find orderlies who place her in these halls in the last 24 hours, preferably in a blue dress stained with my blood. Congress will be expecting your call.” At press time, Starr’s family had also uncovered a video he recorded before passing stating that if anything bad happened to him, his former client Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking victims were likely to blame.