WASHINGTON—Emphasizing how important it was for Americans to get in on the ground floor while they still could, a struggling U.S. military announced Monday that it would now require every soldier to recruit an additional 300 new troops. “If you’re interested in joining the U.S. military, you should act fast because this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to change the world and make money doing it, and I guarantee it will not last long,” said U.S. Army spokesperson Patrick Graham, who added there were tons of built-in, high-value perks for recruits as they rose through the ranks, including cash bonuses, —for the highest echelons—free trips abroad, lavish houses, and expensive sports cars. “It’s simple. You sign up. Then you recruit 300 people. Then those 300 people recruit 300 people. Pretty soon, you’ve been promoted from a recruit to a private to a sergeant. And best of all? There’s absolutely no catch! Just spend one week at boot camp and you’ll never want to leave. Seriously, that’s what happened to me.” At press time, the U.S. military reportedly came under fire after investigators discovered several soldiers had brainwashed, blackmailed, and sexually violated new recruits, and the operation was classified a dangerous cult.