Moon Dead At 29

SPACE—Earth’s moon, the planet’s only natural satellite and the fifth-largest moon in the solar system, reportedly died Monday at the age of 29. Born Jefferson Gene Leach in 1993, the planetary-mass object was raised in poverty on the streets of Brownsville, Brooklyn, dropping out of school to work several part-time jobs while honing its passion for pulling the Earth’s tides at night. By 2000, the sui generis crater-laced satellite and so-called emotional provocateur rose to its position in orbit around the Earth, grabbing international attention for its ability to track the seasons. But fame had its downsides, and the moon quickly fell into drugs and late night rituals of the occult. Though the moon was still making its rounds in the celestial scene, its fame was in decline by 2011, and its struggle with substance abuse worsened. In 2019, the moon was rocked by scandal when its name showed up on the flight logs of a private jet owned by sex offender and disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein. In the years remaining before its untimely death, the moon became something of a recluse, only making the odd appearance for performances of the solar eclipse to make ends meet. Sources close to the lunar body said that despite its ultimate disappointment with the orbital industry, the moon had remained completely enamored with the Blue Marble and its tides, and regretted the immediate catastrophic disruptions to Earth’s climate that would inevitably be triggered one day by its passing.