MENLO PARK, CA—Following a stock plunge that saw $80 billion wiped from the Facebook parent’s market cap, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg held an all-company meeting to announce that his metaverse avatar was crying, sources inside the company reported Friday. “I have with a heavy heart called you all here today to discuss the fact that my avatar in the metaverse is currently weeping,” said Zuckerberg, forcing his entire staff to wear Oculus goggles as the teary-eyed digital version of himself explained that losing all that money had made it very sad. “Though my real-life body is unable to cry, my metaverse avatar has no such limitations. It’s okay if your avatars are crying too, given how much of your compensation is tied up in stock options. That said, would anyone like to comfort my avatar by giving it a digital hug?” At press time, Zuckerberg’s wailing metaverse avatar was reportedly threatening to blow its digital brains out.