Hungry Nation Could Really Go For Bountiful Harvest Right About Now

WASHINGTON—Mouths watering just thinking about produce being reaped from the fields after a long and fruitful growing season, a hungry nation confirmed Wednesday that it could really go for a bountiful harvest right about now. “You know what would really hit the spot? Plentiful and abundant crops plucked straight from the earth,” said 37-year-old Denver resident Elliot Haferman, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans whose stomachs gurgled at the mere mention of amber waves of grain. “I don’t know what it is, but I just have the biggest hankering for a bumper crop of barley. Like, if you put a couple cornucopias in front of me, I would just go to town. Maybe I could ask Canada if they have any fat of the land to hold us over.” At press time, the nation reportedly felt bloated and disgusting after gorging itself on 88 million acres of soybeans.