WASHINGTON—Clutching their cocktail glasses close to their chests and shouting their symptoms over the sound of the David Guetta remix blaring from the speakers, the nation’s drunk women held a press conference Tuesday to list the mental illnesses that they have. “Depression, anxiety, ADHD, intrusive thoughts—our brains are broken and we feel literally insane,” said Alexis Bernhardt, leader for the coalition of the 58 million intoxicated women, who thanked the nation so much for listening, then held up a phone displaying the results of a bipolar disorder screening quiz. “We have OCD! We have BPD! We cannot stop dissociating, and honestly, we’re worried we’re narcissists. We know we’re probably going to regret telling you this, but we don’t even care right now because we are complete psychos! Seriously, we should be hospitalized!” At press time, the nation’s drunk women had crammed into an Uber to carry on their press conference from the backseat.