NEW YORK—Asserting that America’s favorite no-stick spray had a hidden benefit for younger customers, a new Pam ad campaign released this week reportedly reminded teens that Pam can get them high and was easy to obtain. “Hello, I’m going to cut to the chase for any young viewers watching: you can go out to a grocery store right now, buy Pam, and then huff it in a supply closet to get extremely high,” said Pam CEO Joe Vitiritto, who reportedly demonstrated the process by spraying a canister into each nostril for 15 seconds. “No cashier will ever ID you when you’re trying to buy cooking spray. And your parents won’t suspect a thing. Plus, it’s only $8.99. That’s way cheaper than drugs. And—hold on, God…it’s starting to hit me. I’m sliding across the surface of existence.” At press time, a visibly sedate and red-eyed Vitiritto reportedly ended the commercial by grinning while noting that it was up to the teens whether they wanted to feel as amazing as he did.