BETHESDA, MD—Citing new data on the appliance’s hidden hazards, a statement released Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission warned that gas stoves could be slowly ingratiating themselves into American households in order to kill the family matriarch and take her place. “According to the latest research, gas ranges may be working discreetly to win the backing of key family members so that they are poised to seize control from a dominant mother or grandmother after they murder her,” said CPSC chair Alexander Hoehn-Saric, noting that a gas stove’s constant presence in the kitchen can make it a rival for matronly authority in many traditional families. “Though things start off innocently enough, with the stove helping the matriarch in the kitchen and cooking the family’s food, the situation may escalate quickly as the appliance forges alliances and consolidates power. First, it’s just a burn here or there, but one day, a mother leans in to remove a casserole and the door slams shut behind her. Then maybe she’s incinerated and her remains are disposed of with the oven’s self-cleaning function. Next thing you know, your children are referring to the appliance as their new mommy.” Hoehn-Saric went on to urge male heads of household to contact the CPSC immediately if their gas stove begins wearing their wife’s perfume and pearls and sleeping on her side of the bed at night.