Eric Adams Leaps Off Empire State Building Wearing Homemade Wingsuit

NEW YORK—Declaring that he and he alone could save his city from the forces of evil, New York Mayor Eric Adams was spotted Friday morning leaping off the Empire State Building wearing a homemade wingsuit. “From this day forward, any New Yorker who even thinks of committing a crime will have to contend with me, Eric Adams, swooping in to stop them right in their tracks!” the city’s 110th mayor was heard to proclaim shortly before he jumped from the roof of the 1,454-foot skyscraper wearing a wingsuit that he reportedly stayed up all night cobbling together from chicken wire, newspapers, and an old umbrella. “Hoodlums and purse thieves, heed my cry! Using my ingenious flight gear, I will coast over all five boroughs keeping vigilant watch over the streets, and I will not hesitate to visit my righteous retribution upon those who dare defy the iron grip of the law! This is my city, not yours, and I will not permit a single petty larcenist, stickup artist, or jaywalker to prowl my divine streets. There is no corner of the city beyond my reach, nowhere you sick bastards can hide. With these wings, I am unstoppable! I am all-powerful! I am your God!” The mayor was then heard to declare “Eric Adams, away!” before immediately plummeting over 100 stories, hitting several railings and an awning on the way down, and then landing in a dumpster, stumbling out, and getting run over by a bus.