PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so hard my sides hurt,” said the former president, who told supporters he had personally restrained, force-fed, and committed hundreds of various crimes against humanity at the naval base. “Meatball Ron can’t torture. Not like me. These guys at Guantánamo, they only spit on guys they really hate. And they really hated me. They spit on me so much. I opened my mouth when they spit on me. It was overflowing with their spit.” At press time, Trump added that he loved crimes against humanity so much he was going back to Guantánamo later that day.