WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please can we keep it, please?” begged EPA administrator Michael S. Regan of the bug that some of the EPA staff found while they were playing in the grass, adding that the agency didn’t yet know what kind of bug it was and were going online to look it up. “We ask Congress to approve us keeping this bug in a jar and not making us put it outside, because we at the EPA all love it so much and we promise to take really good care of it. We know it would probably be happier outside with the other bugs, but it’s just so cute. We promise to feed it the kind of stuff it likes every single day. And when we let the bug out of the jar to play with it, we promise we won’t let it escape into agency headquarters. The EPA doesn’t have a ton of friends in Washington and it would mean a lot to us if we can just keep this one bug. We named him Barack Obugma, and he’s perfect!” At press time, the weeping EPA administrator announced that the agency accidentally squished the bug and it died.