THE HEAVENS—With smoke and the acrid smell of charred cherubim filling the skies, celestial sources confirmed Wednesday that the Lord God Almighty accidentally burned down heaven this morning when His malfunctioning curling iron started an electrical fire. “I was just putting some nice, loose beach waves in My hair when that piece of shit started sparking, and before I knew it, the towels, the curtains, and the entire Promised Land went up in flames,” said God, whose hair was only half-curled, adding that He was tempted to smite the manufacturers of the cheap curling iron He bought from Shein. “It was so embarrassing when the firefighters showed up, and there I was standing outside the Pearly Gates like an idiot in my bathrobe. On top of everything else, I had 40 or 50 billion eternal souls in there that were burnt to a crisp and can’t be replaced. Some Everlasting Kingdom this turned out to be, huh?” God added that until He could find a new home on high from which to gaze upon His creation, He’d probably just crash with His old buddy Satan down in hell.