KANSAS CITY, MO—After being selected by the Carolina Panthers with the first pick of the 2023 NFL Draft, University of Alabama quarterback Bryce Young reportedly called his friends and family Thursday to let them know that he’s completely fucked. “Hey, Grandma, I just wanted to call to share with you that my career is basically over,” said Young, telling his loved ones that he was deeply depressed to become a member of the Panthers. “Welp, I’m totally screwed, and I wanted you to know. Now I’ll get to hang around for a couple years while their inept coaching staff tries to figure out what to do with me, and then our relationship will sour around 2027, when the front office blames me for the team’s continued lack of success. After that, I’ll get to spend the next five or six seasons as a backup on three different teams, and then I’ll retire as an all-time top draft bust. So that really sucks. I was hoping to fall a few spots so I wouldn’t get picked by the team that fucked up Cam Newton, but I guess other prospects have all the luck.” At press time, Young was spotted sobbing into his new Panthers jersey.