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Tearful Surgeon General Appears At Empty Chuck E. Cheese Table To Warn Nation Of Loneliness Epidemic

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Declaring that Americans have become more disconnected than ever before, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy tearfully warned of a national loneliness epidemic from an empty D.C.-area Chuck E. Cheese table, sources confirmed Tuesday. “At any given moment, almost 50% of all Americans are experiencing an insurmountable level of loneliness,” said the U.S. Surgeon General into the crease of his own elbow as he put his head down to cry on an unoccupied table at the family entertainment center, issuing a stern advisory that a lot of people nowadays might find themselves aimlessly wandering around a nearby strip mall in search of human connection, only to end up in a half-empty Chuck E. Cheese eating a cold pizza pie for one and watching all the happy families make memories together. “Rebuilding social connection must be a top public health priority for our nation, and it’s long past time to address how many of these children and parents I have smiled and waved at, with not a single one of them waving back. According to some concerning data, I’ve found an increased risk of premature death associated with social isolation that is comparable to smoking daily, so it is in the best interest of the American people for the government to send someone to come and sit with me before I quietly perish from a broken heart.” At press time, a visibly distressed Dr. Murthy was proposing a national framework for avoiding feelings of isolation and preventing Americans from sobbing as they try to play Skee Ball.



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