Wednesday, September 27, 2023
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Supreme Court: ‘We Wear Gold Crowns Now’

WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous opinion that did not pertain to any case pending before them, the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court issued a brief but official order Wednesday that stated, “We wear gold crowns now.” “In addition to our long black robes—which henceforth will be woven from the finest velvet and trimmed in ermine—we have decided to don ruby-encrusted crowns of gold,” read the announcement, which went on to describe how the justices would be conveyed to the Supreme Court Building each day in ornate palanquins borne upon the shoulders of musclebound clerks. “From this moment onward, let it be known that we will hear public grievances for no more than one hour each day, and those seeking our favor will be required to grovel for it. They must also dance for us. If we are amused, we may rule on their behalf. If not, we may choose to spit upon these supplicants and have them removed from our presence.” Reached for comment, the justices told reporters they were not required to disclose which courtiers had paid for their jewels and other finery.



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