WASHINGTON—Expressing annoyance for failing to ask earlier what her colleagues were receiving from benefactors, Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett was reportedly pissed Friday that she’s been doing whatever conservative donors want for just 30 bucks. “I can’t believe no one told me that I could have gotten a lot more for my court votes than a couple of Panera vouchers and a gift card to Target,” said Coney Barrett, who was furious that neither Gorsuch or Thomas let her know that she could have asked for a million-dollar offer on her property or taken a luxury trip to the South Pacific instead of accepting a bag of nickels and a scented candle to overturn Dobbs. “I would have much rather had donors paying for my kids’ tuition in exchange for ruling in their favor instead of the stupid ass thank-you card. Next time Larry Ellison tries to give me an I.O.U. for $20 because he’s short on cash, I’m gonna insist on equal bribery.” At press time, Coney Barrett was satisfied after successfully demanding a slightly nicer bottle of wine from a GOP donor to gut immigration rights.