WASHINGTON—Picking up thousands of incapacitated Americans by their wrists and ankles and tossing them down to the sidewalks below, Covid-19 patients were reportedly flung out of hospital windows across the country Thursday as the public emergency officially ended. “Well, thank God that’s over,” said ICU head nurse Mikayla Hecht, who ripped a breathing tube out of an elderly patient’s mouth and hoisted the man onto her shoulder as she carried him toward the open window, making a mental note to chuck all of the ventilators out the window for good measure. “They were taking up the entire sixth floor, so that should clear up a lot of space. I was worried we were going to be stuck dealing with this bullshit forever, but at least it’s over now. Goodbye and good riddance!” At press time, Hecht dusted off her hands and called out, “Come back when you have a real disease!” before slamming the window shut.