Florida Bans Teachers From Playing Any Movie Besides 30-Minute Clip Of Joyless Missionary Sex

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the new rule the “best thing” for the state’s students, Florida officials this week banned teachers from playing any movie besides a 30-minute clip of joyless missionary-position sex. “Starting today, the only media that teachers will be permitted to show their students on any screen is this half-minute video of two straight adults begrudgingly engaged in boring, vanilla sexual intercourse from which they clearly derive no pleasure,” said Manny Díaz Jr., the Florida commissioner of education, adding that the clip would feature several seconds of awkward kissing followed by beleaguered thrusting, a brief pause, and then a few moments of grunting and hushed apologies. “Parents should feel safe knowing that instead of Disney movies, their children will watch a depressed husband and wife go through the motions of beginning their monthly scheduled intercourse, getting a muscle cramp, and abruptly stopping. Nothing says shared family values more than this video. Especially the end, when they both silently refuse to make eye contact while folding laundry.” At press time, the movie featuring joyless missionary-position sex had been banned from Florida schools after it was revealed that the couple in the clip had filed for divorce.