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Scientists Link Dwindling Insect Populations To Pale Weird Kid

DARMSTADT, GERMANY—Finding a potential root cause for a problem that has greatly perplexed scientists, a new report published Tuesday in the Journal Of Applied Entomology has linked dwindling global insect populations to this one pale weird kid. “We have seen a massive die-off of insects, a phenomenon that could trigger the collapse of ecosystems worldwide, and it is almost entirely due to a single pasty weirdo,” said the paper’s lead author, Otto Friedrich of Germany’s Technical University of Darmstadt, who held up a photo of a 10-year-old American he identified as Kevin Skolnick from Duluth, MN. “Once this awkward, sickly-looking boy was introduced to the planet, we saw a rapid decline in a variety of insect and arachnid populations. It is imperative that we neutralize the effects of Kevin. However, when our research team tried to approach him in his backyard, he responded by meowing at us and throwing lit matches in our direction until we were forced to back away. We cannot stress how disastrous this gawky youth could be for the Earth’s environment, or how freakish it is for a kid to keep locust shells in the pockets of his cargo shorts and carry a plastic grocery bag full of ants everywhere he goes.” At press time, scientists confirmed they had found representatives of approximately 360,000 threatened insect species under Skolnick’s pillow.



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