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Obama Kills Self After Learning About ‘President Obummer’ Nickname

WASHINGTON—Calling the epithet a deeply painful way of talking about another human being, former President Barack Obama reportedly killed himself Wednesday after learning about the “President Obummer” nickname. “My Lord, have people really been calling me this the entire time?” said the former commander in chief, who grew increasingly despondent as he read through the Reddit post from 2010, his eyes filling with tears as he lowered his head into his hands. “At first, I laughed because I didn’t know they were talking about me. But now I realize they’re trying to suggest that my presidency bummed people out. It just stabs at my heart that anyone would say something like this. What did I do during my time in office to ever deserve this sort of thing? And now they’re capitalizing my middle name to draw attention to it, too? Did Michelle know about this? And what’s this one? Nobama? Oh God, I can’t take this. Jesus Christ!” At press time, the former president had reportedly swallowed a lethal dose of sleeping pills immediately after seeing a political cartoon depicting him with large ears.



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