Lockheed Martin Boosts Earnings Outlook Citing Billions Of Innocent People Still Left To Kill

BETHESDA, MD—Adjusting revenue expectations in light of resilient demand for massacring those who just want to live their lives, defense contractor Lockheed Martin boosted its earnings outlook in a conference call with investors Friday, citing billions of innocent people still left to kill. “Given that the total addressable market for our lethal killing devices is essentially every blameless man, woman, and child on Earth, we expect our net income to skyrocket in the coming months and years,” said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that Chinese and Indian markets alone accounted for nearly 3 billion guiltless individuals who were already primed to meet an untimely end. “Every day, we are penetrating emerging markets for the ruthless slaughter of innocent civilians in Africa, the Middle East, and Southeast Asia, where we believe there is the greatest opportunity for new bloodshed. And with potential murder victims being born everyday, we don’t see any reason for a slowdown in demand anytime soon.” Taiclet concluded the call by adding that while the company faced increased competition from wartime famine and drought, he was still confident the company was still well positioned to capitalize on human suffering.