God Still Little Pissed Off Every Time Human Takes Bite From Apple

THE HEAVENS—Stressing the act amounted to spitting directly on His holy edicts, the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Monday that He was still a little pissed off every time a human takes a bite from an apple. “Look, I know they probably don’t mean it, but I never told humanity they were allowed to start chowing down on the Forbidden Fruit after the Garden of Eden, and, frankly, it’s a little annoying that they’re still doing that,” said He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, adding that He would often see red and feel the righteous urge to smite any human He witnessed casually cutting up a Golden Delicious or Granny Smith. “I’d never do anything rash, obviously. But it’s disrespectful. I’m really at my wit’s end here. It’s not like I can expel them from Paradise again. I guess I could issue a new commandment or flood the Earth again—but I just genuinely feel like they should have gotten the picture the first time. Meanwhile, they’re out picking apples every week and having a blast like it’s nothing. It’s so frustrating: apple pies, apple sauce, apple galettes. It all just raises my hackles. Sorry, but it’s true. I hate it. I hate it so much.” God added that maybe humanity and Satan could bond over their love of apples when they’re all burning in Hell.