WASHINGTON—Insisting that he had done nearly everything right this time, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly failed his third consecutive driver’s test Monday. “It’s kind of bullshit, because it was really only the parallel parking part that I screwed up,” said Buttigieg, describing how he always began to freeze up and panic during that section of the exam as he tried to remember exactly how to locate ten and two o’clock on the wheel. “Also, not for nothing, but I’ve gotten Hank as my instructor the last two times, and he’s a total piece of shit. He said I rolled through a stop sign, and that’s not true. He’s just a jerk. I also barely grazed that car. It’s insane that he gets to administer these things, because he’s obviously blind. Goddammit, now I have to go back to the Department of Transportation and stare everyone down. They all act like big shots because they got their licenses.” At press time, sources confirmed the visibly glum transportation secretary was telling his husband to “just shut up” after Chasten Buttigieg picked him up from the DMV and said he’d definitely pass next time.