Friday, September 29, 2023
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Police Release Novelty Wild West Photo With Mass Shooter

SANDUSKY, OH—Following a mass shooting at an area mall that left 12 dead and another seven wounded, law enforcement officials released to the public Friday a novelty Wild West photo of the suspect they had taken into custody. “Thanks to the actions of our quick-thinking officers, we were able to arrest the shooter, fingerprint him, and swing by [local amusement park] Cedar Point to pose for one of those fun old-timey portraits with him,” said Sandusky Police Chief Greg Hartwell, who, alongside the suspected murderer, appears in the resulting sepia-toned photograph wearing a white hat, a Western-style vest, and a duster, along with accessories such as a kerchief, a watch chain, and an imitation Colt revolver. “In the process of booking the perpetrator, we informed him of his right to choose from a fancy fringed cowboy outfit, a series of fake mustaches, and an oversized jug marked ‘XXX,’ but he waived these options in favor of a plain denim shirt. The gunman did ask to hold his own AR-15-style rifle during the photo shoot, but we of course could not allow this, as it would not have been period correct.” Hartwell went on to ask if any of the reporters present would be willing to wear his badge and gun while he held two large sacks marked with dollar signs and reenacted a bank robbery for the camera.



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