STANFORD, CA—Calling on the public to “Please, just listen first,” scientists at Stanford University sheepishly announced Thursday, “Don’t get mad, but we accidentally found the cure for homosexuality.” “Wait, hold on, everybody calm down—we’re just the messengers here, okay?” said researcher Eduardo Soto, who wiped his brow as he explained that “Of course, a cure implies that it’s a disease,” but that was not at all what the group of scientists were trying to say. “There could be a cure for heterosexuality for all we know, all right? Don’t freak out. We were just doing cancer research and…and we don’t really know how we got to this point. We realize this is bad timing, what with Pride Month or whatever. Well, not ‘whatever.’ We didn’t mean it like that, okay? Look my brother’s gay. Well, not anymore, but you know.” At press time, Soto stated that he was going to lay the study file down on the ground very gently and run.