MARIN COUNTY, CA—Ceasing operations due to an instance of recidivism among a former inmate, San Quentin State Prison shut down Tuesday after it came to light that supposedly rehabilitated ex-convict Roger Zezner had committed more crimes. “Unfortunately, San Quentin has been forced to close down after reports that an individual we had previously deemed rehabilitated was released and went on to carry out additional felonies,” said visibly distressed warden Ron Bloomfield, who explained that the prison was left with no choice after failing in its mission to set the convicts that passed through the facility on a better path than the one they had come in on. “I’m disappointed in the fact that he committed more crimes, but more than anything, I’m disappointed in myself for letting him down. I gave him beatings, meager food rations, and the most overcrowded cell I could, but that clearly wasn’t enough. And for that, I am sorry.” At press time, Bloomfield was reportedly heartbroken to discover that many laws had also been broken inside the prison.