KALAMATA, GREECE—With time running out to ensure that no one made it out alive, emergency crews were dispatched Wednesday to help a boat full of refugees sink. “As soon as it became clear that a ship off the coast was carrying displaced peoples from the Middle East and North Africa, we immediately rushed into action to try to capsize the vessel,” said Hellenic Coast Guard spokesman Nikos Alexiou, explaining that first responders to the scene tossed lead vests out to the refugee families to guarantee a watery grave. “We prioritized the drowning of women and children to great success. Buckets of chum were deployed to alert sharks to their whereabouts. And, with any luck, the holes punctured in the hull of their boat will be large enough to prevent anyone from escaping an imminent death.” At press time, emergency workers announced with a heavy heart that some of the migrants had made it to shore unharmed.