WASHINGTON—After examining an unknown substance discovered on White House grounds, the Secret Service told reporters Wednesday that the mysterious white powder found in the West Wing had been identified as President Joe Biden. “Through extensive forensic testing we’ve determined the composition of the white powder to be President Biden himself,” said Secret Service spokesperson Andrew Rabney, confirming that investigators had retrieved security-camera footage of Biden dissolving into a pile of dust after tripping and falling. “Apart from the fact that he was completely powderized, we do not believe the president has suffered any adverse health effects. Being a loose white powder should also have no effect on President Biden’s work or ability to campaign. We will be placing the Biden powder in a Tupperware container for safekeeping.” At press time, Hunter Biden was seen snorting the powdery remains of his father.