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Doctors Confirm McConnell Had A Stroke After Imagining A Happy Black Person

WASHINGTON—Having determined the cause of an episode in which the minority leader froze midway through remarks to the press and then remained silent for 19 seconds, doctors confirmed Thursday that Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had suffered a stroke after imagining a happy Black person. “We ran some tests and discovered that the senator’s neural pathways short-circuited when he pictured an African American who wasn’t actively in pain or otherwise being violently oppressed,” said on-call physician Dr. Steven Faulk, noting that McConnell had fallen multiple times this year on occasions when he thought about Black people experiencing a brief moment of calm or relief. “It was a minor stroke, but it’s possible that seeing a happy Black person at this time could send him into cardiac arrest. We’ve asked Tim Scott to avoid the Senate floor for now unless he’s needed for a vote, in which case he is to appear downtrodden and upset throughout the roll call. In addition, Sen. McConnell’s family requests that everyone avoid reminding him that his wife is Asian.” At press time, McConnell had reportedly died after hearing the song “Happy” by Pharrell.



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