WASHINGTON—Noting that children were safer now that these sick individuals were off the street, the FBI arrested millions of Americans Friday who did not see Sound Of Freedom under suspicion of child trafficking. “Today, we’ve detained countless citizens believed to be child traffickers who clearly did not see Sound Of Freedom due to a guilty conscience,” said FBI chief Christopher Wray, adding that the raid, which spanned all 50 states, rounded up millions who likely could not face watching the movie because it featured unspeakable crimes identical to those they’d committed. “To the many brave Americans who saw the film, we know you are clean. But to everyone else, we just have one question: Why couldn’t you stand to watch it? Perhaps it’s because deep down, you know exactly what kinds of sick, twisted things you’ve done, and you can’t bear to look yourselves in the mirror.” At press time, Wray walked back several arrests after 73 million of the people he’d arrested for not seeing the movie ended up being children.