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New Healthcare Breakthroughs Provide Hope That Baby Boomers Will Never Leave Positions Of Power

NEW YORK—Hailing recent milestones as a new golden age of medicine, experts confirmed this week that healthcare breakthroughs over the past decade provide hope that baby boomers might never have to leave their positions of power. “Thanks to rapid advancements in gene therapy, machine learning, and precision medicine, we might be looking at a day when baby boomers never have to let go of their stranglehold on the political and economic arenas,” said Columbia University researcher Dr. Edward Santiago, noting that the emergence of next-generation cancer treatments and advanced prosthetics alone could guarantee politicians and executives in their 70s and 80s continue shuffling along into their corner offices for decades to come. “Look at me—I’m 68, and as long as they keep injecting me with genetically personalized treatments and shoving these incredible anti-Alzheimer’s pills into my mouth, it’s possible I’ll simply never have to relinquish my responsibilities and allow one of my highly qualified assistants to take over. Just imagine: In the year 2060, you might be looking at a 110-year-old Chuck Schumer in the Senate, still alive and kicking thanks to these incredible advances. And by then, they’ll probably just transfer his brain into a metal exoskeleton and let him continue legislating that way.” Santiago added that if the astonishing pace of medical research continued unabated, it was likely that Generation X and millennials would all die off years before people like him ever needed to retire.

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