VATICAN CITY—As youthful vigor rapidly returned to the supreme pontiff, Pope Francis reportedly appeared 40 years younger Friday after finally masturbating for the first time. “Since finally pleasuring myself after all these years, I look and feel better than I ever have!” said the spry 86-year-old pope, who now had a full head of hair and smooth, wrinkle-free skin after jerking himself off to completion for the first time in his entire life. “Check out this cartwheel! And that’s not all—I signed up for a couple Ironman Triathlons! God, I don’t know what took me so long. I’ve had an erection nonstop for, like, five years. I’m all flushed out!” At press time, a laid-back, post-masturbatory Pope Francis felt comfortable claiming that the Catholic Church made up all that God shit.