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U.S. Sad Sack General Announces He’ll Be In His Room, Not That Anyone Cares

WASHINGTON—Looking down at his feet while addressing the nation, the U.S. Sad Sack General made a rare public appearance Monday to announce that he’ll be in his room, not that anyone cares. “Yeah, so, that’s where I’ll be—not that anyone ever tries to find me,” said Joe Davis, the sighing government official in charge of moping, whose official duties include slouching, mumbling, and lying face-down on the carpet. “The nation can come get me if they feel like they want to talk to me so badly. Otherwise, they won’t see me for a while. Not that anyone would even notice that I’m gone… I’m not taking questions today, either—not that you were going to ask me anything anyway. All right. Goodbye forever.” At press time, the Sad Sack General was overheard lamenting that the nation would be better off had he never been appointed to the position.



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