VAN BUREN, MO—Blissfully going about their days thinking they would be adequately provided for in the event of an environment-destroying emergency, Dodson family members were reportedly unaware that their father’s fallout bunker only has enough supplies for one survivor. Sources confirmed that no one besides Philip Dodson has entered the shelter he has been working on for over five years and put hundreds of thousands of dollars into, with his wife Elena and children Michael and Mackenzie incorrectly assuming that he was outfitting it for all four of them to move into indefinitely, should the need arise. The rest of the family’s assumptions that they would be able to live in the shelter should a nuclear blast or climate emergency render the above-ground area uninhabitable were reportedly based in part on Philip’s acquisition of canned goods, bottled water, and other nonperishable items, which, unbeknownst to them, the man had carefully purchased in quanitities that would keep only a single individual alive for 10 years. According to sources, had the family paid attention to the local husband and father’s activities over the past two years in particular, then rather than falsely assuming he was planning to save the family’s two dogs as well as them, they would have noticed that he had removed the toys, games, and extra bedding that the fallout bunker had originally contained, replacing them with pornographic magazines and presidential biographies. At press time, reports confirmed the man’s family continued their days completely unaware that, in the event of a disaster, the only item in the shelter intended for them was a pistol with three bullets.