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Aaron Rodgers Urges Jets To Trade Every Pick After Numerological Study Reveals Terrible Omens

NEW YORK—In an effort to help the team that recently traded for him, quarterback Aaron Rodgers is said to have urged the New York Jets to trade all of their draft picks Thursday after his numerological study revealed terrible omens. “Whatever you do, you cannot, I repeat, cannot, use the 15th pick—using the 15th pick on an odd-numbered Thursday will result in terrible agonies being visited upon us all!” said Rodgers, who reportedly phoned Jets officials more than a dozen times in the hours leading up to the draft to inform them he had consulted with several large, tattered old tomes of occult numerology and discovered that each of the team’s five selections carried grim portents for their Super Bowl fate. “You have to get rid of the 43rd pick too, because four plus three is seven, and I’m going to wear eight for the Jets, and eight minus seven is one, which means that the 43rd pick will only last one year in the league—so I urge you to spare yourself the misfortune of picking some cursed soul in that spot and trade it away. Although don’t trade it away to any team with an odd number of letters in its name; otherwise, any player you get in the trade will be at risk of tearing his ACL if we ever play on the night of a full moon. And obviously you shouldn’t use any draft picks in the fifth round, as everyone knows that a fifth-round draft pick in the fourth month of the 104th year of the NFL could set off a chain reaction of horrific plagues. I’ve studied every number extensively. I wrote all the numbers on my body and rubbed oil and salt onto them, and then the number that came into my head first was 26. We should try to get pick 26, because it’s the only safe pick in the whole damn draft. The other ones augur horrible danger!” At press time, a wild-eyed Rodgers reportedly called the front office again to say that if they picked anyone whose first and last names contained a combined 15 letters, or if they drafted anyone who weighed exactly 295 pounds, or whose birth time fell during the morning, the Jets might not live to see the 2023 season.

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