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iPhone 14 Camera To Include Director For Highest-Quality Video Yet

CUPERTINO, CA—Boasting that the high-quality video could rival almost any professional film, Apple announced Thursday that the new iPhone 14 camera would come equipped with a Hollywood movie director for the best results yet. “With the new iPhone 14 and 14 Pro, users will have access to the sharpest video capabilities on the market, with up to a 48 megapixel sensor, a 3x telephoto lens, and Gustav, a brilliant film industry veteran who will stop at nothing to bring your video’s vision to life,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, adding that the device’s auteur director played a critical role in picture quality, whether he was adjusting the phone’s light intake, screaming for another take, or yelling “No, no, no, that’s garbage” while flipping his chair over in a huff. “From the second you press record, Apple’s Gustav feature will not only ensure the highest-caliber work, but also give you access to his professional sound stage and boom-mic operators, as well as his post-production and motion-graphics teams. Remember, with an iPhone, you’re not just taking videos of your dog, your cat, or your baby. You’re making art.” At press time, Cook temporarily recalled all iPhones featuring Gustav after the director reportedly flew into an alcoholic rage, stormed out, and threatened to blacklist several Apple users from ever recording videos again.

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