FAIR LAWN, NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people, Yankees fan Emma Parker admitted Thursday that she was tired of having to prove that she’s a genuine asshole. “People look at me wearing pinstripes and they just assume I’m just pretending to be a huge prick,” said Parker, who credited her father for imbuing her with a deep lifelong commitment to being a condescending, whiny little front-runner. “I’m just as obnoxious as any die-hard Yankees fan. I’ve been going to games, flipping off opposing players, and making homophobic jokes since I was a kid. I’m not new here—this runs deep in my blood.” At press time, Parker hoped to prove her bonafides by posting a photo of her rare signed Derek Jeter restraining order.