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Friend Who Doesn’t Drink Announces Plans To Buy Weirdest Fucking Soda Imaginable

MILWAUKEE—Stressing that he would much rather indulge in something flavored with huckleberry or an essence of sarsaparilla, Jason Torres, a local friend who doesn’t drink, announced plans Tuesday to buy the weirdest fucking soda imaginable. “Yes, I used to enjoy alcohol, but now I prefer to drink new and fun things like a watermelon soda made from cane sugar, or this awesome orange cola that you can only find in Iowa City,” said Torres, who, after picking up several bottles filled with different neon shades of pink, blue, and green, yelled “jackpot” when he apparently found a limited-edition bottle of Granny Smith apple-flavored soda from an obscure brand no one had ever seen or heard of before. “The truth is, I don’t miss drinking at all, because there are so many interesting and unique new flavors of soda to try. Oh, maybe I’ll buy this soda from Japan that has a cool opening mechanism. Or should I get this pickle-flavored one? Eh, screw it, I’ll just get both. It should only cost me around 25 bucks.” At press time, Torres could not be reached for comment, as he was stuck trying to decide which flavor of potato chip—cinnamon bun, Sloppy Joe, or bacon-mac-and-cheese—would best accompany his weird-ass soda.

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