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God Burns Mouth After Taking Big Swig Of Volcano

THE HEAVENS—Following an incident in which the Lord fanned His tongue and yelled ‘Ow, ow, ow!’ after being a little too hasty to partake of the molten rock, heavenly sources reported Wednesday that God Almighty had burned His mouth upon taking a big swig of volcano. “Obviously, if I’d had a small sip of it first, I would’ve realized how hot it was and let it cool down for another 10,000 years or so,” said God, whose hand was seen reaching down from the clouds and breaking off a piece of glacier that He then put in His mouth to soothe His singed tongue. “But unfortunately, I just took a huge gulp, and now I probably won’t be able to taste anything for the next millennium. Whew! That burned going down, too. I didn’t want to swallow it, but my only other option was to spew it all over Kingdom Come and rain down fire upon creation. Ugh, I do this every time.” At press time, sources reported that God had drunk the entire Pacific Ocean to make his throat feel better.

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