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New TSA+ Program Allows Members To Pat Down Any Other Travelers They Want

SPRINGFIELD, VA—Saying the program represented a significant value for frequent fliers, Transportation Security Administration officials announced Friday the debut of TSA+, a service that allows its members to pat down any of their fellow air travelers standing in the security line. “Once you’ve paid the $79 enrollment fee, you’ll be cleared to rub your hands along the torso, inner thighs, and waistband of as many ticketed passengers as you wish,” said agency administrator David P. Pekoske, explaining that TSA+ members would also be allowed to rifle through luggage and keep any prohibited items they found during searches, which sometimes turned up guns, really cool knives, fireworks, brass knuckles, and nice Zippo lighters. “Feel above and under the breasts. Even the buttocks may be touched. Go ahead, take your time. We won’t stop you.” If travelers object to their pat-down, TSA+ members will reportedly have the right to loudly accuse them of terrorism, deny them permission to board their flight, and seize any liquids they have in excess of 3 ounces.

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