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Police Experimenting With Nonlethal Methods To Give Speeding Ticket

AKRON, OH—Theorizing there might be a way to occasionally complete a routine traffic stop without anybody dying, Ohio police announced plans Monday to begin experimenting with nonlethal methods of administering speeding tickets. “Basically, we’re toying with the possibility that there could theoretically be a means of pulling someone over to issue a citation that doesn’t end in civilian casualty,” said Akron Police Chief Steve Mylett, reminding those in attendance to temper their expectations, as he had no evidence yet that this was even an achievable goal to work toward. “We’re the first to admit that the number of our own citizens we murder for going 10 to 15 miles per hour over the speed limit is not ideal, so we thought we’d rack our brains for any solutions. So far, we’ve conceptualized some sort of robot that could approach a car for us, with all of us staying behind at the station, but we’re barely squeaking by on our $75 million annual budget as it is. We’re also testing out some knives on people running stop signs to see how badly it incapacitates them without killing them, but we’ve found that most officers struggle with the idea of stabbing a person only one time and then walking away. We’re still hopeful there is a way to do no more than severely maim the great people of Akron for minor traffic violations, but perhaps we are being overly optimistic.” Mylett added that his team was treating this more as a philosophical thought experiment for the time being and that, even if successful, the peaceful methods of law enforcement would not be rolled out for many years, if at all.

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