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Report: 76% Of Tinted Windows Conceal Pensive Celebrity Pondering How Disconnected They Are From Everyman

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on consumer trends in the automotive industry, a new report published Monday claimed that 76 percent of tinted windows concealed a pensive celebrity pondering how disconnected they had become from the Everyman. “Inside three of every four passenger vehicles with tinted windows sits a celebrity longing to commune with everyday people and mourning their inability to do so without being mobbed,” the report from the Department of Transportation read in part, citing overwhelming market data that conclusively showed more than three quarters of blacked-out windows had been installed for A-list actors, musicians, and models and served as a metaphor for the alienation they feel in their lonely isolation from the real world. “While in the past drivers have opted for the sleek window detailing to protect their valuables or shield their interiors from the heat of the sun, a large majority of tint these days is gently traced by the finger of a Harry Styles–type as he asks himself quietly, ‘My God, what have I become?’ These findings explain why so many chauffeured vehicles with shaded windows slow down as they pass bucolic scenes of children playing or a group of good friends laughing around an outdoor café table. Behind the glass, there’s a larger-than-life superstar who wonders how achieving everything they’ve ever wanted has left them so empty. Polyethylene terephthalate remains the most popular material in the tinting trade for its optical clarity from the interior, as well as its ability to disguise the famous passenger as they decline a call from Steven Spielberg and continue scrolling the Instagram of a love from their former life, wondering what might have been had they stayed behind in their hometown.” The report added that the remaining 24% of tinted windows concealed perverts as they drove around vigorously masturbating behind the wheel.

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