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School Practices Drill For When There’s Not An Active Shooter

LARGO, OH—In an effort to keep students and faculty ready should the situation ever arise, a local middle school was reportedly practicing the drill Thursday for what to do when there’s not an active shooter. “Attention teachers and students: For the next 10 minutes, we will proceed as if there is not a school shooter on the premises; all students will emerge from hiding under their desks, and all teachers will immediately stop barricading the door and begin writing lessons on the whiteboard,” Lincoln Middle School’s principal said over the intercom, interrupting the regular daily flow of a mass shooter stalking the school to initiate the drill, so the school would be prepared in the event it ever experienced a day in which that didn’t occur. “For the next five minutes, we will no longer be on lockdown, and all students will be expected to go to their lockers and chat with their friends. Teachers will turn on the lights in the classroom and begin teaching students rather than tending to any wounded children. The school security guard will initiate the sequence in which he returns to the school from where he’s been hiding in the parking lot and will practice hassling students in the hallway.” At press time, students expressed annoyance about the non-shooter drill cutting into their regular day of running and hiding from a mass shooter, since it was highly unlikely the scenario would ever actually come to pass.

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