WASHINGTON—After a vagrant emerged from the darkness along the highway and beckoned toward the vehicles with his wickedly sharp blade, President Joe Biden directed his motorcade to pullover and pick up a blood-soaked hitchhiker, sources reported Thursday. “Wow, that poor guy with the meat cleaver sure looks like he could use a ride,” said Biden, who told Secret Service agents to stop the presidential limousine and scoot over to make room for the strange man who had blood dripping off his face and clothes and appeared to wear no shoes. “Had a rough night, haven’t you, fella? Well, we can take you as far as 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. If you need to go further than that, you’re on your own.” At press time, the hitchhiker, who was revealed to be the ghost of the late President John F. Kennedy, had reportedly killed Biden as revenge for living in his cursed former home.