Tuesday, February 27, 2024

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Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment

MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle...

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Chill Juror Good With Whatever Group Wants To Do For Verdict

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Saying in deliberations that either outcome was fine with him, notably chill juror Ron Howley reportedly told the rest of a local jury...

Nike Unveils Size-Inclusive Mannequin Eating A 12-Inch Hoagie

BEAVERTON, OR—In what the sportswear giant is hailing as a company-wide embrace of body positivity, Nike announced Tuesday it would introduce its first-ever size-inclusive...

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Report Confirms Anyone Who Really Likes A Politician Is Insane

MEDFORD, MA—Calling such behavior a guaranteed indicator of severe underlying derangement, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Tufts University confirmed that any person...

Performance Training

Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee

WASHINGTON—Shoving down barriers, sprinting up the steps, and smashing his fist through a thick pane of glass, bat-wielding Representative Jim Jordan (R-OH) burst through...

‘New York Times’ Fails To Disclose That Every Editor Dating Mohammed Bin Salman

NEW YORK—Readers across the country were reportedly criticizing The New York Times Monday for publishing a positive article about the leadership of Saudi Arabia...

Ron DeSantis Holds Press Conference To Slurp Custard Off The Ground

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Inviting the assembled reporters to come closer for a better look, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis held a press conference Tuesday to slurp custard...

Dog And Owner Having Public Fight

CHARLESTON, SC—Making what onlookers described as an embarrassing scene, local dog Cooper and his owner, Michelle Arkin, were having a public fight in the...

Idaho Becomes Latest State To Permit Execution By Firing Squad

Republican Idaho Gov. Brad Little has signed a bill allowing execution by firing squad, making Idaho the latest state to turn to older methods...
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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic...
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