Wednesday, June 19, 2024

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Mysterious Salem Shopkeeper Offers Seth Moulton Chance At Presidential Debate Stage But At A Terrible Cost

SALEM, MA—After wandering through his home district into a dim and dingy store he could have sworn had been an empty alleyway, Representative Seth...

Lifestyle News

McDonald’s, Starbucks Leaving Russia

McDonald’s and Starbucks are shutting down their restaurants and cafés in Russia, and Coca-Cola is suspending its operations there in response to Russia’s invasion...

Florida Board Of Education Bans Any Mention Of Outside World

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to keep the state’s students from being exposed to inappropriate content, the Florida Board of Education announced Monday that it...


Tech and Gadgets

The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

Gary Borkowski, Onion Sports resident fantasy football expert and former NFL concessions worker, shares surefire strategies for analyzing matchups, finding overlooked sleeper picks, and...
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Latest Reviews

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

ERIE, PA—Pushing back against what he viewed as an overly hysterical media narrative, Trump supporter Tom Nagle whispered his assertion Monday that poll watching...

Performance Training

More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor

WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing...

Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden...

Mark Zuckerberg Holds All-Company Meeting To Announce His Metaverse Avatar Is Crying

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a stock plunge that saw $80 billion wiped from the Facebook parent’s market cap, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg held an all-company...

DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results

WASHINGTON—Hoping the yellow, graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses, the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a...

Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On ‘Fortnite’ Skins

NORTH BRANCH, MI—Creating a global panic that sent financial markets into a tailspin, the nation’s economy collapsed Wednesday after local 10-year-old Bryson Jeakle reportedly...
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Holiday Recipes

NEW YORK—Showcasing what it touted as “the cutting edge of pork” to an audience of industry bigwigs and assorted VIPs, deli meat supplier Boar’s...

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