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Apologetic Dan Snyder Pledges To Spend Rest Of Life Re-Earning Trust Of Great Brands Like FedEx

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his failure to provide a safe space for them to thrive and profit, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder pledged Friday to dedicate the rest of his life re-earning the trust of “great” brands like FedEx. “I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve allowed to happen here. These are amazing brands that deserve respect and to be treated with dignity,” said Snyder, who promised to do everything in his power as owner to make sure “strong and capable” brands like Pepsi never regret working with the Redskins. “These brands are not just objects, they are more than just their logos. They had hopes and dreams when they signed sponsorship deals with us, and I’ve let them down. These brands should have never been made uncomfortable, and needless to say, I’ve already taken major steps to make sure nobody at this organization ever humiliates them by speaking up again.” Snyder finished his apology by announcing a new initiative designed to help formally marginalized brands like Burger King and Sears partner with the franchise.

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